I’ve already started mentally preparing to go home for Christmas.
Not because I’m counting down with excitement, but because I’m preparing myself emotionally, in case this is the last one Dad remembers.
If he remembers it at all.

That thought has been sitting quietly in the background for weeks now.
Unspoken but heavy.
Not just the grief of what’s to come, but the grief of what’s already fading. The stories, the little traditions, the parts of him that were always steady, now unpredictable.

It’s a strange thing, knowing someone you love is slipping away while they’re still here.
And it’s stranger still when your relationship with them hasn’t always been simple.
We’re not a perfect family.
There are unspoken things.
Space.
Old dynamics.
And I know there’s a good chance I’ll need to step up again to be the practical one.
The peacekeeper.
The person who holds it together when the emotion in the room gets too loud.

It’s not a role I resent. But it’s exhausting.
And sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to be the one who gets looked after, just for a moment.

Still, I’ll go.
I’ll show up.
Because even if it’s not the perfect Christmas, even if it’s awkward, or tense, or emotionally messy, it might still matter.
Even if he doesn’t remember it.
I will.

If you’re heading into the holidays carrying emotions that aren’t exactly jolly, you’re not alone. Whether it’s dementia, family tension, or just the pressure to perform happiness, it’s okay to feel complicated about it all.

• Dementia Australia – Support and resources for carers and family
  📞 1800 100 500 | www.dementia.org.au
• Carer Gateway – Help and services for anyone supporting a loved one
  📞 1800 422 737 | www.carergateway.gov.au
• Lifeline – 24/7 support if it all feels a bit too much
  📞 13 11 14 | www.lifeline.org.au

Take what you need this December. Give what you can. And remember: your feelings are valid, even if they don’t fit neatly into a Christmas card.